In pre-marital counseling, one of the challenges is to find those areas where each partner assumes, without discussion, that their way is right – without even realizing they’re not open to other ideas. How to celebrate Christmas, for example. Or how to discipline the kids that may come into the marriage. Problem is: if those differences aren’t brought to light early in the relationship, and thought through together, they lurk as probable causes of tension later on.
Which is why “discipling” has become a common source of disappointment. Jesus just said, “…as you go, disciple all nations…”, and “as the Father sent me, so send I you.” Which means, he wants us to carry on the work he did in leading us to spiritual maturity, in the same way he modeled discipling…with his disciples!
However, there’s no concise definition of discipling, and everyone who’s interested in discipling, or being discipled, sees something different in Jesus’ example. Plus, we add our strong American 21st century bias toward organization, and clear definition. This leads to programs – and to a mechanical view of what Jesus did. And ultimately, disappointment, because of the differing ideas of what we should have a right to expect: to be discipled by someone worthy of discipling us.
I’d like to suggest something else – not a program with disciplers and disciples, but something that each person interested in discipleship can do on their own, without anybody else’s agreement on what is needed. It’s this: if you would like to be discipled, think and pray about who – probably in the church, but possibly somewhere else in your bank of friendships – of the same gender! – you respect and would like to learn from. Call that person up and invite them to have a cup of coffee, or to eat together. And sometime early in your time together, ask, “What has the Lord been teaching you lately? What is on your heart?” Then, let the Lord guide the conversation, and keep your ears open for what the Lord brings to the surface. Something will arise every time – just as it arose for Jesus and his disciples. It probably will be prompted by something that one of you is facing in your own lives, but the Lord will always been involved.
At the end, just ask to take one minute to pray together. You can do that in a parking lot, by a coke machine, next to the curb – wherever. I can’t remember how many times I’ve prayed in stranger places than these! And don’t make a date to do it again, either. No obligation. No burden. No commitment. But, in a couple of weeks, call and invite them to get together again – and do it all over.
You can do it the other way, too. Think of someone on your heart you feel drawn to care for. Again, same gender! Call them up, meet them for breakfast, or whatever. The same type of leading question, so that you’re cognizant of the Lord’s presence at your table. Then let the conversation flow as the Lord leads it.
This all takes initiative, but the good thing is, you don’t have to wait for a program to sign up for. The program is already on the table: it has been modeled by Jesus.
A final note: I remember a handful of people who – after I had been doing this with them for a couple of years – who asked if I’d be willing to disciple them. I’ve always wanted to say something like what Jesus said to Philip, “How long have we been getting together, and you haven’t realized what has been happening?” You don’t have to explain…but just keep it up.
“No longer do I call you servants, but friends. For a servant doesn’t know what his master is doing. But everything I have learned from my Father, I have made known to you.”
- Jesus, in John 15:15